Laughter

There are few times when I laugh. Laugh perfectly. Innocently. Laughter that comes from my heart.


Granddad makes me laugh. He's witty and funny. He'll comment about a situation, or he'll act something out. He pretends he is a little boy and laughs and carries on. He'll take my right hand in his left and we'll twittle our thumbs together. We've had serious contests to see who could hold a poker face the longest. I laugh for the shear excitement of laughing with Granddad.


Jackie makes me laugh. Something about being really close, and then doing something silly will make us both laugh. It becomes funnier than the situation should have been which makes us laugh longer and harder. The most recent time was last spring: I tried to give Jackie a leg up on her horse, Cooper, but Cooper walked away. We both found it funny, and laughing, we tried again. I couldn't throw her up being compromised with laughter so it ended poorly. We both just stood there and laughed - for no good reason - which made it funnier. Eventually, we both pulled oursleves together and I threw her on her horse.


Fro made me laugh. He would do silly things. Suck his tongue. Yawn really big. Be scared of the miniature horses. And I would laugh at his sillyness. Sometimes he would buck just because he was fresh and the weather was cool. I would sit on him and let him buck a little and run, and laugh.

Answers To Nonsensical Sensicalness

Here are the answers to my last post in stanza order:
1. Make-up
2. Head covering
3. Move
4. Job
5. God time
6. Mosquito bite on my foot as I wrote blog

Nonsensical Sensicalness

If you can make sense of all of this nonsensical sensicalness than you are either incredibly creative, a great guesser, or you know me incredibly well! (Hint: Each stanza stands for current happenings and musings in my life.) Goodluck!

Masquerade. Facade.
Lock it up. Throw it away.
Worth. Value. Real.
Insecure. Why not?
Learn. Just learn.

Yes, no, maybe so.
Right or wrong?
Beautiful. Heart. Beautiful heart.
Love. Lower.
Be. Just become.

Wave goodbye. Say hello.
Endless time.
This and that. So and so.
Why? Who?
Now. Just right now.

Yes! No!
Here. There. Everywhere.
No one.
Why?
Trust. Just trust.

Rich, but poor.
Satisfied, but empty.
Silence. Spoken.
Unveiled.
Come close. Just come close.

Itch.
Scratch.
Itch. Scratch.
Scream.
Ugh. Just ugh.

Here I Am Without A Job; Thank You, God

As I wrote in my last entry, "Goodbye job. Goodbye paycheck. Goodbye why moving up here was even possible. But here I am anyway." Yes, here I am, completely jobless. I hate the feeling. It's like ice cold rain soaking through my jeans on a windy day. It feels like the sun will never come back out, and my jeans won't dry. It feels like a job won't ever come, and I'll just watch my bank account waste away to nothing.

But I'm learning.

I'm learning what it feels like to deserve the ghetto. That's what I moved up here to do - live in the ghetto. I'm not there yet; still in this temporary living area with my dear friend, Ashley. Even though I truly can't afford anything better than the ghetto in the first place, somehow I thought I was better than that. I was proud. I was self-sufficient. I had plans. But I was wrong. Now I get a chance to be in the shoes of so many low-income areas. I get to feel what they feel. The pressure. The stress. The inferiority. I want to embrace it.

I'm learning to trust God. I'm a planner, but I no longer have plans. I no longer have time frames. I no longer have expectations. I have about four months until I'll be forced to close my bank account. I pray that God doesn't make me wait that long, but if He does I'll be okay. Waiting on Him - truly waiting at the feet of Jesus - instead of waiting on the job: that's what I'm learning.

I'm learning that this season is a blessing instead of a curse. Just months ago I wrote about my God time being rushed and hurried. I gave Him my leftover time, and my second best or worse. I wondered what activities needed to be pruned in order to find time to be with Jesus. Now I have time. A lot of time. I don't have many friends here. I don't have a church. I don't go to the barn. I don't have a job. I simply get to spend time with Jesus. Journal. Pray. Read. Be with Jesus. I don't have anywhere I need to be by such and such a time. I don't need to call so and so, or do this or that. How good it is to rest in Jesus, and seek His heart.

Here I am without a job; thank You, God.

The Move And 3 Days Thereafter

Jeremiah 10:23 says, "I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps."

My life isn't mine. God called me to this move (here's that story). So here I am.

Saturday morning, everything went well. I had a bunch of help, and the whole packing ordeal was over in a little over an hour. I walked down the 3 flights of stairs, 21 steps, crossed the landing with the mailboxes, 2 more steps down, a sidewalk, then 2 more steps up, and a step off the curb to my car and left good ole 15F forever. Arrived at my temporary home in Lancaster and once again accomplished the unpacking quickly and with help. Seven steps up to the porch, a step in the house, 16 steps to the first landing, and 15 more up to my room. It's nice. A little bit hot up there since there's no air conditioning on the third floor, but I like it.

I'm living with Ashley and George and their 3 children until I can make some money and live on my own in the ghetto. It's a big dream. Doesn't sound like it, maybe, and shouldn't require too much mula, but it's a big step. And it's a big step to be living here. Ashley and I mainly know each other only from lots and lots of text messages. She likes golden oreos, and I like chocolate. She loves corn dogs, and I can't stand them. But we both go barefoot all the time. She adds -o to her words and I add -ness to mine. And I've visited a handful of times. I just hope we know one another well enough to make this live-in thing work! It's been good so far - at least from my point of view.

I still wonder if I'm going home. If this is only a visit. But it isn't. It's real. This is home now. I visited my first church up here. I don't know. Might go back, but I'll probably try a couple others first. I'm hoping to try 2 or 3 more next weekend - one on Saturday night and an early and late service on Sunday morning. Trying to find "home" as quickly as possible!

Part of the story of my moving up here is the way I was hired as a nanny so quickly. I was excited about the part-time job which would make me a little bit of money while I found another part-time job to pair with it. Today, those plans crashed to the sidewalk as I walked through the city, talking on the phone with my soon-to-be boss. She got laid off at work and no longer needed me. Goodbye job. Goodbye paycheck. Goodbye why moving up here was even possible. But here I am anyway. I continued to walk around the city with my eyes open for ideas of full-time jobs now, instead of just part-time. I walked and walked. I can't parallel park that well so walking is my better bet, but after a couple of hours walking around the city in my jeans and my hair down in case I stopped in some salons in 92degrees I was hot and sweating. I got off the phone with my suppose-to-be boss, and walked in a coffee shop for a cool strawberry drink.

I walked by the library. A library. Perfect. Maybe my day was about to get a little better. I went inside. I roamed all three floors and found a book I wanted to check out. When I asked at the counter for a library card, the woman told me I couldn't get one or check out the book since my driver's license still had my maryland address. Tears flooded my eyes. I turned and walked outside, sat down on the steps on the side of the building, and cried. I couldn't help myself. It was turning into a very bad day. I hadn't had much sleep since the temperatures were a bit high in my room, then I got laid off before I even started work, and now I can't even borrow a book from the library.

I calmed myself down, and headed to a cafe Ashley had told me about to apply for a job. I couldn't find it. I gave up and walked back to my poorly paralleled parked car. I found my way around the one-way streets, stopped at the grocery store, and made it back to my new home sweet home. Applied for a couple more nanny jobs, and now I'm just waiting for someone to call me back, or my next job search outting - whichever comes first.

I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.

And the saga continues . . . .