Sometimes I feel like I've lost my life. In my move up here to Lancaster City, I lost a lot. I lost friends. There are a few people I'm still in touch with, but not for the most part, and I'm learning that brand new friendship making is a slow process. I lost my hobby. I haven't ridden a horse in weeks. That was the one thing I did for exercise (now I run up 38 stairs to get to my bedroom), and the one time I really enjoyed the moment and stopped thinking and processing life. I lost my job. I have a really great part-time thing here as a nanny. I love every day I'm with those girls. But I need something else because I'm not sure I can pay all my bills this month. I lost my church and my ministry and my community.
If it sounds like I'm complaining, I'm not. I'm thoughtful. I'm a little sad. But it's good. Jesus says, "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it." (Luke 9:24)
Side note: I have been thinking about this 'losing my life' concept for the past couple weeks, but now that I'm actually sitting down (well, lieing on the floor) ready to write this blog, I can't focus. Why? Well, remember all those steps I said I have to go up and down to my room? I slid down a flight of them earlier tonight and have a burn on my wrist and it hurts really, really badly. Just saying.
I've been blessed. Blessed by George and Ashley who gave me this bedroom and invited me to be a part of their family for the past three months. Blessed by Hannah, a girl I met at a church here, who I'll be living with shortly and has welcomed me as her friend. Blessed by an incredible job, watching two amazing girls who make me laugh, and working for their gracious parents, Matt and Hope. Blessed by NewSong Fellowship, the church I've been attending for the past few months. I'm still not completely sure if I'll end up calling it home, but they have welcomed me and shown me the love of Jesus. I've been blessed by bunches of road blocks and illness and strife that is teaching me to stand firm in my faith and to trust God like I never have before, and to say, "Thank You."
I am so blessed. There will always be days like today: when the rain pours down, and I don't get the job, and I melt the spoon in the mac 'n' cheese, and the dog pees on the rug, and crayon gets marked on the door, and I fall down the stairs, and I get sick because I ate the frozen pizza I was craving even though I knew it wasn't a good idea. There will be days when I forget why I moved, when I don't see the point, and when I'm tired of waiting. But I'm blessed. I've lost my life; I've found an amazing journey with Jesus that will last for eternity.
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I love this and I love your honesty! I can't wait to get to know you better :)
ReplyDeleteOh Julie! This is so beautifully honest and such a blessed place to be in. How hard it is to leave all we know to begin anew, especially when what we are leaving is really good. It's normal and GOOD to be sad for what you left behind. Mourning is a beautiful process, and I think Jesus shed some tears with you beautiful sister.
ReplyDeleteI too, wish we were not all the way across the United States from one another, we'd be good friends :) I wish I was nannying two little girls instead of two crazy boys ;) hehe! (Kidding, I do love the boys I nanny.)
I'm praying for you in my cozy room in Boise, understanding a bit of where your heart is at. Knowing that Jesus is the answer to all of this!! And thankful that you know that :-)
Julie, I told you I wasn't sure if you were brought into our lives to help us or for us to help you. You have been a wonderful addition to our family. The girls love you and Hope and I are thankful we have such a wonderful person spending time with our children. It is our turn to help you now, first take a deep breath hold for a second and let it go and with it all your stress. (Hope tells me that to be able to sleep thought it might help you) Crayons, pee, melted spoons we consider that a good day here! Stress here is unnecessary, just don't burn the house down or lose one of the girls and everything is going to be just fine. Your part of our family now, we will help anyway you need. I love analogies so here is one that might help you. Sometimes we are headed someplace new and we miss our turn even though we have a gps yelling at us to turn because we are too focused on the road we are on and not where we are going. Life is kinda like a car, it goes here and there touching many people along it's path. Some people like it some people don't but it keeps on moving because it has a job to do. What's that job you ask, it never knows because someone else is at the wheel taking to where it needs to be. New driveways to spend it's nights, sometimes familiar roads, some new. It will get dents and dings maybe some new tires but it's heart will continue to run. For the person at the wheel has plans for it. What are they? Only tomorrow will tell.
ReplyDeleteWe are never given more then we can handle.
Matt: Yes, the Person at the wheel has plans for my journey. Thank you. And I'll take a deep breath.
ReplyDeleteSamantha: One day, we will meet - maybe in this world, but definitely in eternity! You are a blessing to me!
Hannah: I can't wait to get to know you either! :)