Drench

Outside my cracked open windows is hurricane Irene.
I wish her rains could find their way to my dry soul and drench.

Change of Pace

I work to live; I don't live to work. About a month ago, I began to wrestle with whether I wanted to keep working six days a week. While my bank account seems to require that I work, and I don't want to throw away the blessing of having a job, I long to have a whole weekend to be able to see friends, catch up on my life, run errands, read . . . just do what needs to be done and have fun too, and yet still have a sabbath. Have a day to rest and read and journal and be without the hustle.

One evening as I was driving and thinking this through, a song by JJ Heller came on my stereo, "When I Leave." One of the lines says, "It's time to count my blessings. Forget about my savings account for a while." Sighing with relief, I made my decision. Later, I had to re-work my budget to make this thing work. It's going to be tight, but I believe it is worth it. One day, I doubt I will look back at my life now, and wish that I had saved more, worked harder, worked longer.

Yesterday was my last day at the salon. I will miss doing hair, meeting so many interesting people, and my co-workers.

I want to dance. Dance even in the rain. Live simply, but live fully. I'm so very excited for this change of pace in my life, and the opportunity to be even more frugal, and re-examine my priorities, my heart, and my life.

"Look At Me"

I nanny for an amazing two year old, Emi. I don't have children of my own yet so in some ways I feel that I get to "practice" on the kiddos that I have the privilege of watching week after week. One thing I've learned is that if I cannot get a child's eyes and attention, I won't get her heart either; and when she is grown, I don't want her to only remember the rules I had, but I want her life and heart to be impacted by my investment. (This goes for all the kiddos, but this story is specifically about Emi.)

One day a couple weeks back, Emi finished coloring, and moved on to the toy box to find the next fun game we would play. I asked her if she was finished coloring. Without looking at me, she nodded her head. Then I asked her to pick up her crayons before she played with something else. I knew that she had heard me, but she was choosing not to listen and obey. I asked again. Then gently, "Em, look at me." Her head turned from the toy box, and her eyes focused on me. "Em, clean up your crayons." Immediately, she started picking up her crayons. Those simple words. "Look at me. Give me your attention. Focus." As soon as her eyes were on me, she was willing and happy to obey.

I haven't been so happy to obey lately. I heard God whisper, "Julie, look at me." Obedience is much easier when my focus and attention are on Him. When He has my attention, He has my heart too.

Turning my eyes,
Julie

The Fence

Frustrated With Being In Dresscode

I know that to some, I look like I have it all together. And it's true that I know how to use a day planner, I'm on time, and my house is always cleaned up and put away. But I'm a mess. If only you could see past my planner and my organized life; look past the order, and see the chaos. See this messy heart that has desires and aches and hurts and sins and weaknesses.

But I am always in dresscode.

At least don't tell me that I'm wrong when I say that I am a mess. Don't laugh at me, and say, "No, that's not true," when I let you peek into this heart of mine. You think I'm so put together because you won't let me show you otherwise. If you would stop long enough to peer inside of me and see the things that make me so imperfect, I would melt. Imperfect is relative to you. Because I'm not dancing on the street corner, you think I am perfect, but please, please, take my imperfections seriously.

I am not okay
Overwhelmed and stressed
I hurt
I cry
I wonder and worry
I'm confused
Torn in two different directions
Wrestle
Collapse
Try
I soar and I break
I laugh and I weep

And God knows all about it.